SWG and the Holy Beta

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SWG and the Holy Beta

Post by Belecthor » Mon Jul 29, 2019 2:03 am

Its finished at last. After a long bout of waiting, I have finally finsihed it and I'm posting it on a new thread for your viewing please. The old thread had a bunch of spam in between scene's and the first page was messed up by binary. Im sorry for any cast revisions I had to make do to some parts not having lines. I did my best so there were the least amoount of mistakes possible.
So here it is in its entirety. SWG and the Holy Beta.

Stargazer Productions presents....

SWG and the Holy Beta !

KING ARTHUR - Hawk1138
PATSY - Duke Straykker
SOLDIER #1 - Xahn
SOLDIER #2 - Snaykinn
DEAD PERSON - ShadowJedi001
DENNIS - MauraderStrJckr
WOMAN - Uliqdasith
BLACK KNIGHT - nikolai
VILLAGER #1 - Xvis
VILLAGER #2 - PowerTripper
WITCH - Napalm64
VILLAGER #3 - Cheesemaster
VILLAGER #4 - Kyuz
SIR GALAHAD - dendei
SIR ROBIN - Rowan12
GOD - MojoChicken
FRENCH GUARD - TheLoneRanger
KNIGHT - Deftek
LEFT HEAD - Droghar
MIDDLE HEAD - mld0806
ZOOT Carol - Jaida
PIGLET - GlaringError
WINSTON - Thunder68
DINGO - Teurst
GUARD #1 - Quid
GUARD #2 - Q-3PO
CONCORDE - MaraJade12
OLD CRONE - Leprechaune
BORS - CyborgVexter
SECOND BROTHER - BrentStargazer


Scene 1:

(wind)(thump thump)

Hawk1138: Whoa there !

(thump thump)

Quid: Halt ! Who goes there ?

Hawk1138: It is I, Hawk1139, level 24 Jedi Knight, from the 1337 server. Defeater of the sith, protector of all Corellia ! And this is my trusty servant Duke. We have ridden length and breath of the land in search of more Jedi knights that will join me in my PA on Corellia. I must speak with your lord and master.

Quid: What ? Ridden' on a a Taun-taun ?

Hawk1138: Yes !

Quid: Your using Jawas !

Hawk1138: What ?

Quid: You've got two Jawas and your bangin' em together !

Hawk1138: So ? We have ridden since Alpha testing began, through the Endor server...

Quid: Where'd you get the Jawas ?

Hawk1138: We found them.

Quid: Found them ?! On the Endor server !?

Hawk1138: What do you mean ?

Quid: Well, the Jawas are from Tatooine.

Hawk1138: The mynock may fly south with the sun, or the vine snake, or the crafter may seek larger servers, yet these are not strangers to our land.

Quid: Are you suggesting Jawas migrate ?

Hawk1138: Not at all, they could be carried.

Quid: What---A mynock carry a Jawa ?

Hawk1138: It could grip it by the hood !

Quid: Look, it's not a question of where he grips it ! Its a simple matter of continuity, a mynock from Dagobah could not possibly carry a Jawa from Tatooine.

Hawk1138: Well, it doesnt matter. Will you go tell your master that Hawk1138 from the Corellian PA is here ?

Quid: Listen, in order to maintain continuity, a Jawa has to come from Tatooine, right ?

Hawk1138: Please!

Quid: Am i right ?

Hawk1138: Im not interested !

Q-3PO: It could be carried by a Yavin Mynock !

Quid: Oh yeah, a Yavin Mynock maybe, but not a Dagobah Mynock, thats my point.

Q-3PO: Oh yeah, I agree with that.

Hawk1138: Will you ask your master if he would like to join my PA ?

Quid: But then, of course, Yavin Mynocks are against continuity

Q-3PO: oh yeah...

(thump thump )

Q-3PO: Wait a minute, supposing two Mynocks carried it together.

Quid: No, they'd have to attach to a starship.

Q-3PO: well, simple, they'd just use a claw

Quid: What, while carrying a Jawa with the other ?

Q-3PO: well, why not ?


Scene 2:
IronBrig: Bring out your pk'ed ! Bring out yuor pk'ed !
(Clang) Bring out your pk'ed !
(Clang) Bring out your pk'ed !
(Clang) Bring out your pk'ed !
Kamaru: Heres one--9 credits

ShadowJedi: Im not pk'ed !

IronBrig: What ?

Kamaru: nothing, heres your 9 credits

ShadowJedi: Im not pk'ed !

IronBrig: Here, he says he's not pk'ed !

Kamaru: yes he is

ShadowJedi: Im not !

IronBrig: He isnt.

Kamaru: well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

ShadowJedi: Im getting better !

Kamaru: No your're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

IronBrig: oh, i cant take him like that, it against regulations

ShadowJedi: I dont want to go in the cart !

Kamaru: Oh, dont be such a baby

IronBrig: I cant take him.

ShadowJedi: I feel fine !

Kamaru: oh, do us a favor...

IronBrig: I cant.

Kamaru: Oh, well could you hand around for a couple of minutes? it wont be long.

IronBrig: ...Nah, i have to go over to the Robinsons, they've lost nine today.

Kamaru: Well, when is your next round ?

IronBrig: Thursday

ShadowJedi: I think i've already respawned..

Kamaru: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isnt there something you can do ?

ShadowJedi: I have a medpack...I have a medpack !
( WHOP )

Kamaru: Ah, thanks very much

IronBrig: Not at all, see you on Thursday.

Kamaru: Right.

(thump thump) Hawk1138 goes by.

IronBrig: Who's that then ?

Kamaru: I dont know.

IronBrig: Must be a Jedi Knight

Kamaru: why ?

IronBrig: He hasn't got bantha fodder all over him.


Scene 3:
(thump thump)

Hawk1138: Old Woman !

Maruader: Man !

Hawk1138: Man, sorry. What Jedi Knight lives in that castle over there ?

Marauder: Im 37.

Hawk1138: What ?

Marauder: Im 37, im not old.

Hawk1138: Well, i can't just call you 'man'

Marauder: Well, you could say Maurader

Hawk1138: well, i didnt know you were called Maurader

Marauder: Well, you didn't bother to find out did you ?

Hawk1138: I did say sorry about the 'old woman', but from behind you looked...

Marauder: What i object to is you automatically treating me as an inferior !

Hawk1138: Well, i AM a Jedi Knight

Marauder: Oh, Jedi Knight, eh, very nice. An how'd you get that title, eh ? By exploitin' the bugs-- by camping spawning grounds which perpetuates the economic and social differences between classes !-- If there's ever gonna be any progress....

Uliq: Marauder, there is some lovely filth down here. Oh--how d'you do ?

Hawk1138: How do you do, I am Hawk1138. Jedi Knight and leader of a Corellian PA.

Uliq: Leader of what ?

Hawk1138: a Corellian PA

Uliq: I didn't know there was a Corellian PA.

Marauder: Your fooling yourself. We live in a dictatorship society run by PA's. A bunch of self-perpetuating autocracies in which the newb classes--

Uliq: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.

Marauder: That's what it's all about if only people would...

Hawk1138: Please, please good people, i am in haste. Who lives in that castle.

Uliq: No one lives there.

Hawk1138: Then who is your leader ?

Uliq: We don't have a leader.

Hawk1138: What ?!

Marauder: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort of an exectutive officer for the week.

Hawk1138: yes..

Marauder: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified in a special bi-weekly chat room.

Hawk1138: yes i see.

Marauder: By a simple majority in a case of purely internal affairs...

Hawk1138: Be quiet !

Marauder:... but by a two-thrids majority in the case of more..

Hawk1138: Be quiet ! I order you to be quiet !

Uliq: Order eh ? who does he think he is ?

Hawk1138: I am a Jedi Knight !

Uliq: Well 'ow did you become a Jedi knight ?

Hawk1138: The last Jedi Master, ( angels sing ) his arm clad in the purest of shimmering green skin, held aloft a lightsaber, signifying that by the divine intervention of a POI, I Hawk1138, had reached the rank of Jedi Knight. ( singing stops ) That is why i am a Jedi Knight !

Marauder: listen, strange creatures distributing lightsabers is no basis for a system of leadership. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some random POI spawn

Hawk1138: Be quiet !

Marauder: Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some green creature threw a lightsaber at you.

Hawk1138: Shut up !

Marauder: I mean, if i went around sayin' i was Dark Lord of the Sith just because some shriveled green bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away !

Hawk1138: Shut up ! Will you just shut up !

Marauder: Ah ! Now we see the violence inherent in the system !

Hawk1138: Shut up !

Marauder: oh ! Come and see the violence inherent in the system !---HELP ! HELP ! Im being repressed !

Hawk1138: Bloody Newb !

Marauder: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, eh ?.....thats what im talking about--did you see him repressing me, you saw it didnt you ?


Scene 4
(Battle sounds)
(Nikolai defeats Repoman in a bloody battle as Hawk watches. Minutes later, Repoman respawns and goes on a murderous rampage...eventually getting outcasted)

Hawk1138: You fight with the strength of many men, Jedi
I am Hawk1138, Jedi Knight and leader of a Corellian PA
I seek the finest and l33t3st warriors in the server to join me and my PA
You have proved yuorself worthy, will you join ?
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Duke.

Nikolai: None shall pass.

Hawk1138: What ?

Nikolai: None shall pass.

Hawk1138: I have no quarrel with you, good sir, but i must crost this bridge.

Nikolai: Then you shall be pk'ed.

Hawk1138: Then i command you ! { Uses Alter Mind )

Nikolai: My force resistance level is beyond your puny skills. I move for no man.

Hawk1138: So be it !

(draw lightsabers)
(parry, thrust)
(Hawk chops Nikolai's left arm off after a short battle)

Hawk1138: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

Nikolai: Tis' but a scratch.

Hawk1138: A scratch ? Your arm's off !

Nikolai: No it isn't.

Hawk1138: Well, what's that then ?
(points at the arm on the ground)

Nikolai: Ive had worse.

Hawk1138: You liar !

Nikolai: Come on you pansy !

(Hawk chops of Nikolai's right arm)

Hawk1138: The victory is mine. ( kneels ) We thank thee, oh Devs, that in thy merc--

(Nikolai kicks Hawk while he's praying)

Nioklai: Come on then.

Hawk1138: What !?

Nikolai: Have at you !

Hawk1138: You are indeed brave, good sir, but the fight is mine.

Nikolai: Oh, had enough, eh ?

Hawk1138: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.

Nikolai: Yes i have.

Hawk1138: Look !

Nikolai: Just a flesh wound.

(Nikolai headbutts Hawk in the chest)

Hawk1138: look, stop that.

Nikolai: Newb ! Newb !

Hawk1138: Look, i'll have your leg, right.
( whop )

Nikolai: Right, i'll get you for that !

Hawk1138: You'll what ?

Nikolai: Come'ere !

Hawk1138: What are you going to do ? Bleed on me ?

Nikolai: Im invincible !

Hawk1138: Your loony !

Nikolai: I always triumph ! Have at you ! Come on then !
(Hawk chops Nikolai's other leg off)

Hawk1138: Come, Duke.

Nikolai: oh, oh, I see, running away, eh ?..... You yellow bastards ! Come back here and get what's comin' to ya !..... I'll bite your legs off !


Scene 5

Crowd: A Mod ! A Mod ! A Mod ! We've got a Mod ! A Mod !

Xvis: We found a Mod ! May we burn em ?

Crowd: Burn 'im ! Burn 'im !

Sir Udem: How do you know the he is a Mod ?

PowerTripper: He looks like one !

Sir Udem: Bring him forward.

Napalm64: Im not a Mod ! Im not a Mod !

Sir Udem: But you have a blue name.

Napalm64: They painted my name blue !

Crowd: No we didnt--no.

Napalm64: And this isn't even my real handle, they hacked into my comp !

Sir Udem: Well ?

Xvis: Well, we did do the name--but he's a Mod !

Crowd: A Mod ! Burn him ! Burn him !

Sir Udem: Did you hack into his comp ?

Crowd: no...no...yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.

Sir Udem: What makes you think he is a Mod ?

Cheesemaster: Well, he outcasted me !

Sir Udem: Outcasted you ?

Cheesemaster: Well, I came back.

PowerTripper: Burn him anyway !

Crowd: Burn him ! Burn him !

Sir Udem: Quiet, Quiet, Quiet ! There are ways of telling if he is a Mod.

Crowd: Are there ? What are they ?

PowerTripper: Do they hurt ?

Sir Udem: Tell me, what do you do with Mods ?

PowerTripper: Burn !

Crowd: Burn them up !

Sir Udem: And what do you burn apart from Mods ?

Xvis: More Mods !

PowerTripper: Wood !

Sir Udem: So why do Mods burn ?


Cheesemaster: B--...'cause they're made of wood ?

Sir Udem: Good !

Crowd: oh yeah, yeah.

Sir Udem: So, how do we tell if he's made of wood ?

Xvis: Build a bridge out of him !

Sir Udem: Ah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone ?

PowerTripper: Oh yeah..

Sir Udem: Does wood sink in water ?

Xvis: No, no.

PowerTripper: It floats ! It floats !

Xvis: Throw him into the pond !

Crowd: The pond !

Sir Udem: What also floats in water ?

Xvis: Bread !

PowerTripper: Uhhh, gravy !

Cheesemaster: Very small rocks !

Xvis: Cherries !

PowerTripper: Mud !

Cheesemaster: Churches ! Churches !

PowerTripper: Lead ! Lead !

Hawk1138: A newb !

Crowd: oohhh.

Sir Udem: Exactly ! So logically...

Xvis: If,... he... weighs the same as a newb, he's made of wood.

Sir Udem: And therefore ?

Xvis: A Mod !

Crowd: A Mod ! A Mod ! A Mod !

Sir Udem: We shall use my largest scales !


Sir Udem: Right, remove the supports !

( whop )
( Creak)

Crowd: A Mod ! A Mod !

Napalm64: Its a fair cop.

Crowd: Burn 'im ! Burn 'im !


Sir Udem: Who are you, who is so wise in the ways of science ?

Hawk1138: I am Hawk1138, Jedi Knight, and leader of a Corellian PA. Good Sir Jedi Knight, will you come with me to Corellia and join my PA ?

Sir Udem: I would be honored !

Hawk1138: What is your name ?

Sir Udem: Udem

Hawk1138: Then I dub you Sir Udem, 2nd in command of my PA !

(Narrative Interlude)

The wise Sir Udem was the first to join Hawk1138's PA, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir EwokofDoom the Brave; Sir dendei the Pure ; and Sir Rowan the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-EwokofDoom who had nearly fought the Rancor of Tatooine,who had nearly stood up to the viscious Jawa of Anchorhead and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Naboo; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of Corellia !


Scene 6: By Ironbrig
EwokofDoom: Look, my liege!

Hawk1138: Corellia!

Dendei: Corellia!

EwokofDoom: Corellia!

Duke: It's only a retextured skin.

Hawk1138: Shhh! Jedi, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us take the shuttle to Corellia!

[cut to Jedi singing]
We're the Jedi who use Cable
We lewt when e'er we're able
We do spawn camps, and produce lamps
With skill points impecc-able
We dine well here on Corellia
We even ate an Ewok's tibia

We're the Jedi who use Cable
Our skillz are for-mid-able
But though we ask we're given tasks
That are quite unplay-able
We're POI mad in Corellia
We even ripped off donut-haired Leia!

Though we're tough and able
Quite twitchy and damn-able
Between our quests we lewt our guests
And impersonate Q-3PO
It's a busy time in Corellia
My chair just broke I need IKEA

Hawk1138: On second thought let's not take the shuttle to Corellia. 'Tis a silly place.


Scene 7

MojoChicken: Hawk ! Hawk, Leader of the Jedi Knights of Corellia ! Oh don't grovel, if there's on thing I can't stand it's people groveling.

Hawk1138: Sorry !

MojoChicken: And don't apologize ! Everytime I try to chat with someone it's " sorry this " and " forgive me " that and " dont ban me " What are you doing now ?

Hawk1138: Im averting my eyes oh Mighty Dev !

MojoChicken: Well, don't. Its like those miserable Newbs- they're so annoying. Now knock it off !

Hawk1138: Yes Dev.

MojoChicken: Right ! Hawk ! Leader of the Jedi Knights of Corellia, your PA shall have a task to make them an example in these early stages of the SWG pre-testing phase.

Hawk1138: Good idea oh Dev !

MojoChicken: Of course its a good idea ! Behold ! Hawk, this is the Holy Beta. Look well, Hawk, for it is your quest to seek the Holy Beta. That is your purpose, Hawk, the Quest for the Holy Beta.

Hawk1138: A blessing !

EwokOfDoom: A blessing from the Mighty Dev !

dendei: Dev be praised !


Scene 8

Hawk1138: Halt ! Hello ! Hello !

TheLoneRanger: 'Allo, who might thisa be ?

Hawk1138: It is Hawk1138, and these are my Jedi of the Knights of Corellia. Who's castle is this ?

TheLoneRanger: Thisa be the castle of mya master, Guy de J@rJ@rBinks.

Hawk1138: Go and tell you master that we have been charged by a Dev with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Beta.

TheLoneRanger: Well, I'll aska him, but I do nota think he'll be verya keen. Uh, he's already gotta one, you see ?

Hawk1138: What ?

dendei: He says they've already got one !

Hawk1138: Are you sure he's got one ?

TheLoneRanger: Oh yes, its very nice-a. ( I told him we already got one. )

Hawk1138: Oh, well, can we come up and have a look ?

TheLoneRanger: Of coursa not ! You are Jedi types-a !

Hawk1138: Well, what are you then ?

TheLoneRanger: Im Gungan ! Why to you think i have this accent, you silly person !

Hawk1138: Well, what are you doing on Corellia ?

TheLoneRanger: Minda your own business-a !

Hawk1138: If you will not show us the Beta, we shall take your castle by force !

TheLoneRanger: You dont frighten us you bombad Jedi n00bs ! Go and-a boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so called Hawk1138, you and your silly, Jeeeeedi.

dendei: What a strange person.

Hawk1138: Now look here, my good man !

TheLoneRanger: I dont want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper !....I fart in your general direction ! Your mother was a Ewok, and your father smelt of smurphberries !

dendei: Is there someone else up there we could talk to ?

TheLoneRanger: No, now go away before i taunt you a second time-a.

Hawk1138: Now this is your last chance. I've been more then reasonable.

TheLoneRanger: F3tch3 l@v@ch3 !

Gaurd: Quo1 ?

TheLoneRanger: f3tch3 l@v@ch3 !

[ moo ! ]
Hawk1138: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall have to...[ twang ! ] [ mmoooooooooooooo !] Jesus Christ ! Right ! Charge !

All: Charge !

[ Knights Charge ]

TheLoneRanger: And this one is for your mother !

[ twang ! ]

All: Run away !

TheLoneRanger: Thhhpppt !

[ after running away...]

EwokofDoom: Fiends ! I'll tear them apart !

Hawk1138: No no, No no !

Udem: Sir ! I have a plan, sir.

[chop saw chop saw]
[rumble rumble squeek]
[wheeling trojan ewok to castle gates]

[Gaurds muttering] eh ? c00l ! l3wt !

[rumble rumble squeek ! ]

Hawk1138: What happens now ?

Udem: Well, now EwokofDoom, dendei, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the Ewok, taking the Gungans by suprise,--not only by suprise, but totally unarmed !

Hawk1138: Who leaps out ?

Udem: Uh, EwokofDoom, dendei, and I. Uh, leap out of the Ewok, uh and uh.....

Hawk1138: you n00b.....

Udem: Well, if we built this large wooden Jawa....

[ twang !]

All: Run away ! Run away ! Run away


Gaurds: oh haw haw haw !


Scene 9
Pictures for the Gen board, take 8

Nakyul: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disallusioned Hawk1138. The ferocity of the Gungan taunting took him completely by suprise, and Hawk became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Beta were to be brought to a succesful conclusion. Hawk, having consulted his closest Jedi, decided they should seperate, and search for the grail individually. Now, this is what they did--Udem...

[ clop clop ]
[ An unknow Jedi comes in and kills Nakyul ]

Woman: Greg ! er...Nakyul !


Scene 10
Narrator: The tale of Sir Rowan...so each of the Jedi knights went their seperate ways. Sir Rowan rode north, through the dark forest of Dagobah, accompianied by his favorite musicians.

Alzeya: Bravely bold Sir Rowan, rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Rowan. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Rowan! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Rowan! His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off, And his penis...

Rowan: Thats-- thats, uh, thats enough music for now, lads. Looks like theirs dirty work afoot.

Marauder: Anarcho-Syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

Uliqdasith: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough lewt !

[encounter 3 headed Jedi]

All heads: Halt ! Who art thou ?

Alzeya: [singing] He is brave Sir Rowan, brave Sir Rowan who--

Rowan: Shut up ! Um, n-n-nobody really. Im j-just passing through.

All heads: What do you want ?

Alzeya: [singing] To fight, and--

Rowan: Shut up !Um, oo, n-nothing really -- I, uh, j-just to p-pass through good sir Jedi.

All Heads: Im afraid not !

Rowan: Ah, w-well, i am a member of the Knights of Corellia...

All heads: You are ?

Rowan: I am

Droghar: Well, in that case, I shall have to pk you.

Mld0806: Shall I ?

Monjoe20: Oh, I dont think so.

Mld0806: Well, what do I think ?

Droghar: I think pk him.

Monjoe20: Well, lets be nice to him.

Mld0806: Oh shut up.

Droghar: Perhaps-

Mld0806: And you.

Droghar: Oh quick get the lightsaber out I want to cut his head off !

Monjoe20: Oh cut your own head off !

Mld0806: Yes, do us all a favor !

Droghar: What ?

Monjoe20: Yapping on all the time.

Mld0806: Your lucky, your're not next to him.

Droghar: What do you mean ?

Mld0806: You snore.

Droghar: Oh I dont -- Anyway, you've got bad

Mld0806: Well, its only because you dont brush my teeth.

Monjoe: Oh stop complaining and lets go have b33r.

Droghar: Alright. We'll pk him first and then go have b33r and Quid Sauce.

Mld0806: Yes

Monjoe20: Oh, but not Quid Sauce.

Droghar: Alright alright not Quid Sauce, but lets pk him anyway.

All heads: Right !

Droghar: He bugged off !

Monjoe20: So he has, he's scampered away !

Alzeya: [singing] Brave Sir Rowan ran away

Rowan: No !

Alzeya: [singing] Bravely ran away away

Rowan: I didnt !

Alzeya: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head he bravely turned his tail and fled

Rowan: No !

Alzeya: [singing] Yes Brave Sir Rowan turned about

Rowan: I didnt !

Alzeya: [singing] And gallantly he chickened out, Bravely taking to his feet

Rowan: I never did !

Alzeya: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat

Rowan: All lies !

Alzeya: [singing] Bravest of the brave Sir Rowan

Rowan: I never !


Scene 11

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir dendei
[Thunder, lightning, rain and wind]
[angels singing and dendei spots the Beta]
[pound pound pound]

dendei: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
Gah, had the stupid chat on whisper. Open the door !
[door opens]
[dendei falls]

ALL: Hello!

Jaida: Welcome gentle Sir Jedi, welcome to the Spam Forum.

GALAHAD: The Spam Forum?

Jaida: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!

dendei: You are the keepers of the Holy Beta?

Jaida: The what?

dendai: The Beta -- it is here?

Jaida: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. 2l33tGurl, GuRls4Ever !

2l33tGurl and GuRls4Ever: Yes, oh Jaida!

Jaida: Prepare a bed for our guest.

2l33tGurl and GuRls4Ever: Oh thank you thank you thank you--

Jaida: Away away varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.

dendei: Well, look, I-I-uh--

Jaida: What is your name, handsome Jedi?

dendei: Sir dendei... the Chaste.

Jaida: Mine is Jaida... just Jaida. Oh, but come!

dendei: Look, please! In Mod's name, show me the Beta!

Jaida: Oh, you have suffered much damage to your mind pool! You are delirious!

dendei: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--

Jaida: Sir dendei! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

dendei: Well, I-I-uh--

Jaida: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome Jedi's. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

dendei: No, no -- i-it's nothing!

Jaida: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [clap clap]

GlaringError: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?

dendei: They're doctors?!

Jaida: Uh, they've put the minimum number of points into the doctors profession, yes.

dendei: B-but--

Jaida: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor GlaringError, Doctor Thunder, practice your art.

GlaringError: Try to relax.

dendei: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

GlaringError: We must examine you.

dendei: There's nothing wrong with that!

GlaringError: Please -- we are doctors.

dendei: Get off the bed! This emote isn't in the game !

GlaringError: Back to your bed!

dendei: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Beta !

FlaringError: There's no Beta here.

dendei: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--

GIRLS: Hello.


VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

dendei: Jaida !

Teurst: No, I am Jaida's identical twin sister, Teurst.

dendei: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

Teurst: Where are you going?

dendei: I seek the Beta! I have seen it, here in this forum!

Teurst: Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Jaida!

dendei: What is it?

Teurst: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Jaida! ... She has been using one of the smilies again, which, I just remembered, is Beta-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

dendei: It's not the real Beta?

Teurst: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Jaida! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in the Spam Forum, we have but one punishment for using the Beta shaped smiley. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

Teurst: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.

VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me.

Teurst: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

Teurst: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!

dendei: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.

EwokofDoom: Sir dendei!

dendei: Oh, hello.

EwokofDoom: Quick!

dendei: What?

EwokofDoom: Quick!

dendei: Why?

EwokofDoom: You're in great peril!

Jaida: No he isn't

EwokofDoom: Silence, foul temptress!

dendei: Now look, it's not important.

EwokofDoom: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!

dendei: Look, I'm fine!

EwokofDoom: Come on!

dendei: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

Teurst: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!

EwokofDoom: No, Sir dendei, come on!

dendei: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

Teurst: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.

GIRLS: Yes, yes!

dendei: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!

Teurst: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.

GIRLS: Yes, yes.


Teurst: Oh, shazbot.


EwokofDoom: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.

dendei: I don't think I was.

EwokofDoom: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.

dendei: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

EwokofDoom: No, it's too perilous.

dendei: Look, it's my duty as a Jedi Knight to sample as much peril as I can

EwokofDoom: No, we've got to find the Holy Beta. Come on!

dendei: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?

EwokofDoom: No, it's unhealthy.

dendei: Bet you're an RP'er !

EwokofDoom: No, I'm not.

NARRATOR: Sir EwokofDoom had saved Sir dendei from almost certain peril, but they were still no nearer the Beta. Meanwhile, Hawk1138 and Sir Udem, not more than a mynock's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen mynock's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden mynock's flights away -- four, really, if they had a Jawa on a line between them. I mean, if the mynocks were walking and dragging--

CROWD: Get on with it!

NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twelve, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Hawk discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any mynocks, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp!


Scene 12
Thunderheart: Ah, hee he he ha!

Hawk1138: And this hacker of whom you speak, he has seen the Beta?

Thunderheart: Ha ha he he he he!

Hawk1138: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?

Thunderheart: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.

Hawk1138: And the Beta... The Beta is there?

Thunderheart: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of the Dev Forum, which no man has ever crossed.

Hawk1138: But the Beta! Where is the Beta!?

Thunderheart: Seek you the Bridge of Death.

Hawk1138: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Beta?

Thunderheart: Hee hee ha ha!

[Thunderheart disappears]


Scene 13
[clop clop clop clop]

[eerie music]

Tango209: n00b ! n00b ! n00b ! n00b !

Hawk1138: Who are you?

Tango209: We are the Knights Who Say... n00b !

Hawk1138: No! Not the Knights Who Say n00b !

Tango209: The same!

Udem: Who are they?

Tango209: We are the keepers of the sacred words: n00b, ban, and n00-bish

RANDOM: n00-bish !

Hawk1138: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

Tango209: The Knights Who Say n00b demand a sacrifice!

Hawk1138: Knights of n00b, we are but simple travellers who seek the hacker who lives beyond these woods.

Tango209: n00b!n00b!n00b!n00b!

Hawk and PARTY: Oh, ow!

Tango209: We shall say 'n00b' again to you if you do not appease us.

Hawk1138: Well, what is it you want?

Tango209: We want... a gennie !

[dramatic chord]

Hawk1138: A what?

Tango209: n00b!n00b!

Hawk and PARTY: Oh, ow!

Hawk1138: Please, please! No more! We will find a gennie !

Tango209: You must return here with a gennie or else you will never pass through this wood alive!

Hawk1138: O Knights of n00b, you are just and fair, and we will return with a gennie.

Tango209: One that looks nice.

Hawk1139: Of course.

Tango209: And not too insane.

Hawk1138: Yes...hey wait...

Tango209: Now... go!


Scene 14
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir EwokofDoom

Viper: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

C2: What, the curtains?

Viper: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!

C2: But, Mother--

Viper: Father, lad, Father.

C2: But Father, I don't want any of that.

Viper: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.

C2: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--

Viper: Rather what?!

C2: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!

Viper: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in the Dagobah server

C2: But I don't want land.

Viper: Listen, C-3P0...

C2: C2-N11

Viper: C2..... We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

C2: But we can't marry. Its not programmed into the game

Viper: Cant marry?! What's wrong with using MSN or Yahoo Messenger? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

C2: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something...

Viper: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.

Xahn: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

Snaykinn: Hic!

Viper: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.

Xahn: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

Viper: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

Xahn: And you'll come and get him.

Snaykinn: Hic!

Viper: Right.

Xahn: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

Viper: No, no. Leaving the room.

Xahn: Leaving the room, yes.

Viper: All right?

Xahn: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...

Viper: Yes, what is it?

Xahn: Oh, if-if, oh--

Viper: Look, it's quite simple.

Xahn: Uh...

Viper: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

Snaykinn: Hic!

Viper: Right.

Xahn: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?

Viper: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--

Xahn: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--

Viper: No, no, just keep him in here--

Xahn: Until you, or anyone else,--

Viper: No, not anyone else, just me--

Xahn: Just you.

Snaykinn: Hic!

Viper: Get back.

Xahn: Get back.

Viper: Right?

Xahn: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.

Viper: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

Xahn: What?

Viper: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Xahn: The Prince?

Viper: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Xahn: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

Viper: Is that clear?

Snaykinn: Hic!

Xahn: Oh, quite clear, no problems.

Viper: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?

Xahn: We're coming with you.

Viper: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

Xahn: Oh, I see. Right.

C2: But, Father!

Viper: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!

Snaykinn: Hic!

Viper: Oh, go get a glass of water.


Scene 15
EwokofDoom: Well taken, MJ12 !

MaraJade12: Thank you, sir! Most kind.

EwokofDoom: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, MJ !


MaraJade12: Message for you, sir.


EwokofDoom: MJ ! MJ, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Beta! ...Brave, brave MJ! You shall not have died in vain!

MaraJade12: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.

EwokofDoom: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

MaraJade12: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.

EwokofDoom: Oh, I see.

MaraJade12: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--

EwokofDoom: No, no, sweet MJ! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)

MaraJade12: Idiom, sir?

EwokofDoom: Idiom!

MaraJade12: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.

EwokofDoom: Farewell, sweet MJ!

MaraJade12: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.


Scene 16
[EwokofDoom charges the castle]

EwokofDoom: Ha-ha! I'll pk you ! You stupid n00bs...etc.

[Carnage and mayhem]

Quid: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!

EwokofDoom: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir EwokofDoom of the Jedi Knights of Corellia. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.

C2: You got my note!

EwokofDoom: Uh, well, I got A note.

C2: You've come to rescue me!

EwokofDoom: Uh, well, no, you see--

C2: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music] ...someone...

Viper: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?

C2: I'm your son!

Viper: No, not you.

EwokofDoom: I'm Sir EwokofDoom, sir.

C2: He's come to rescue me, father.

EwokofDoom: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

Viper: Did you kill all the NPC's?

EwokofDoom: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.

Viper: They cost fifty credits each.

EwokofDoom: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.

C2: Don't be afraid of him, Sir EwokofDoom, I've got a rope all ready!

Viper: You killed eight wedding guests in all!

C2: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

Viper: I can understand that.

C2: Hurry, Sir EwokofDoom! Hurry!

Viper: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!

EwokofDoom: Well, I really didn't mean to...

Viper: Didn't mean to?! You put your lightsaber right through his head!

EwokofDoom: Oh, dear. Is he all right?

Viper: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! Bribing mods so no one gets a stat reduction for getting pk'ed...

EwokofDoom: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Corellia, when I got this note, you see--

Viper: Corellia? Are you from, uh, Corellia?

C2: Hurry, Sir EwokofDoom!

EwokofDoom: Uh, I am a Jedi Knight, under Hawk1138..

Viper: Pretty nice place, Corellia. Uh, pretty good womprat country....

EwokofDoom: Is it?

C2: Hurry, I'm ready!

Viper: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?

EwokofDoom: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.

C2: I am ready!

[start to leave]

Viper: --I mean to be, so understanding. [Viper unties rope] [thonk]

C2: Oooh! [splat]

EwokofDoom: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

Viper: Oh, don't worry about that.

C2: Oooh! [splat]


Scene 17

Viper: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.

RANDOM: There he is!

Viper: Oh, bloody hell.

EwokofDoom: Ha-ha! etc.

[more carnage and pk'ing]

Viper: Hold it, hold it! Please!

EwokofDoom: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.

RANDOM: He's killed the best man!


Viper: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir EwokofDoom from a PA of Corellia-- a very brave and influential Jedi Knight, and my special guest here today.

EwokofDoom: Hello.

RANDOM: He killed my auntie!


Viper: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! ... Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son C2, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--

RANDOM: He's not quite dead!

Viper: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--

RANDOM: He's getting better!

Viper: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--

[guards kill her father]


RANDOM: Oh, he's died!

Viper: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. [clapping] And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir EwokofDoom of Corellia--

EwokofDoom: What?

RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!

MaraJade12: He's not quite dead!

C2: Oh, I feel much better.

Viper: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!

C2: No, I was saved at the last minute.

Viper: How?!

C2: Well, I'll tell you... [music]

Viper: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!

SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

Viper: Shut up!

SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

MaraJade12: Quickly, sir! Come this way!!!

EwokofDoom: No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more..........[sigh]

MaraJade12: Dramatically sir?

EwokofDoom: Dramatically!!!! [crash] [EwokofDoom hovers on chandelier] Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?


Scene 18
[clop clop]

Hawk1138: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could find a Gennie ?

[dramatic chord]

Leppy: Who sent you?

Hawk1138: The Knights Who Say n00b.

Leppy: Agh! No! Never! We have no Gennies here.

Hawk1138: If you do not tell us where we can find a Gennie, my friend and I will say... we will say... `n00b!'.

Leppy: Agh! Do your worst!

Hawk1138: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... n00b !

Leppy: No! Never! No Gennies !

Hawk1138: n00b!

Udem: Newb! Newb!

Hawk1138: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'n00b!'.

Udem: newb!

Hawk1138: No, no -- 'n00b!'. You're not doing it properly.

Udem: newb! n00b!

Hawk1138: That's it, that's it, you've got it.

Hawk and Udem: n00b!

Punx: Are you saying 'n00b' to that old man?

Hawk1138: Um, yes.

Punx: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `n00b' at will to old men. ... There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who participate in chatting with fellow gennie's are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.

Hawk1138: Did you say `gennies'?

Punx: Yes, the Gennie Forum is where I stay. I am a Gennie. They call me, Punx the Gennie. I talk and chat with other Gennies.

Udem: n00b!

Hawk1138: No! No, no, no! No!


Scene 19
Hawk1138: Knights of n00b, we have brought you your gennie. May we go now?

Tango209: It is a good gennie. But there is one small problem.

Hawk1138: What is that?

Tango209: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say n00b.

RANDOM: n00b!

Tango209: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.

RANDOM: n00b!

Tango209: Therefore, we must give you a test.

Hawk1138: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said n00b?

HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another gennie!

[dramatic chord]

Hawk1138: Not another gennie!

Tango209: Then, when you have found the gennie, you must place it here beside this gennie, only slightly to left, so they don't fight....

RANDOM: No fight ! No fight ! n00b!

Tango209: Then, when you have found the gennie, you must strike down the mightiest Sith in the land...with a tuna !

[dramatic chord]

Hawk1138: We shall do no such thing!

Tango209: Oh, please!

Hawk1138: Smite the mightiest Sith in the land with a tuna ? We'd get flamed for hacking...

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

Tango209: Don't say that word.

Hawk1138: What word?

Tango209: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot bear to hear.

Hawk1138: I've had enough of this. I am the mightest Jedi in the Corellia server. If you wont tell, Im gonna flame your newbit....

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

Hawk1138: What, `in'?

Tango209: No, not `in' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `in'.

Udem: My liege, it's Sir Rowan!

Alzeya (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing off home
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge

Hawk1138: Oh, Rowan!

Rowan: My liege! It's good to see you! You wouldn't believe the flaming i've been through.

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Tango209: He said the word!

Hawk1138: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Beta?

Alzeya (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering off-

Rowan: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it. But the flames this stupid minstrel has....

Tango209: He said the word again!

Rowan: I was looking forward to flaming him back but..

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Rowan: but...It took so long to find you that I...

ARTHUR: Well, its ok, since you've put up with so much flaming..

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Tango209: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!

Hawk1138: Oh, stop it before I flame...

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Tango209: Oh! He said flame again!

Hawk1138: Duke !

Tango209: Wait! I said it! I said it! I'll get flamed for this ! No..! I said it again !

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Narrative Interlude

NARRATOR: And so Hawk and Udem and Sir Rowan set out on their search to find the hacker of whom Thunderheart had spoken of in Scene 12. Beyond the forest they met EwokofDoom and dendei, and there was much rejoicing.

ALL: Yay!

NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Hoth they were forced to pk Robin's minstrels for l3wt. And there was much rejoicing.

ALL: Yay!

NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day...


Scene 20

Hawk1138: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
[various pyrotechnics]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without putting points into your magic skill ?
Killjoy: I... am a hacker

Hawk1138: By what name are you known?

Killjoy: There are some who call me... Joy?

Hawk1138: Greetings, Joy the Hacker

Killjoy: Greetings, Hawk1138

Hawk1138: You know my name?

Killjoy: It's floating right above your head. [whoosh] You seek the Holy Beta

Hawk1138: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Joy.

Killjoy: Quite.

[pweeng boom]


Hawk1138: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Beta. Our quest is to find the Holy Beta.

KNIGHTS: Yeah, It is, yes, yup, yup, yeah hmm.

Hawk1138: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.

KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.

Udem: We have been for some time.

Rowan: Ages.

Hawk1138: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful...

dendei: Look, can you tell us wh-- [boom]

Hawk1138: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--

Killjoy: A what...?

Hawk1138: A b--, a b--

Killjoy: A Beta ?!

Hawk1138: Yes, I think so.

KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.

Killjoy: Yes!

KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom]

Hawk1138: Look, you're a busy man, uh--

Killjoy: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Beta.

KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.

Killjoy: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Carebearbog -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ralph Koster of Rheged [boom] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Beta.

Hawk1138: Where could we find this cave, O Joy?

Killjoy: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave Jedi, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.

Hawk1138: What an eccentric performance.


Scene 21
[clop clop whinny]

dendei: They're nervous sire

Hawk1138: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!

Killjoy: Behold the cave of Carebearbog!

Hawk1138: Right! Keep me covered.

dendei: What with?

Hawk1138: Just keep me covered.

Killjoy: Too late!


Hawk1138: What?

Killjoy: There she is!

Hawk1138: Where?

Killjoy: There!

Hawk1138: What, behind the ewok?

Killjoy: It is the ewok!

Hawk1138: You n00b! You got us all worked up!

Killjoy: Well, that's no ordinary ewok. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered grammar nazi you ever set eyes on.

Rowan: You twit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

Killjoy: Look, that ewok's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!

dendei: How about I pk you ?

Killjoy: Not if I pk you first.

dendei: Oh yeah??

Rowan: get 'em dendei !

Killjoy: I'm warning you!

Rowan: What's the ewok gonna do ? Poke us with a sharp stick ?

Killjoy: She's got huge, sharp-- she can leap about-- look at the bones!

Hawk1138: Go on, Vex. Chop his head off!

CyborgVexter: Rite ! That thing don't even stand a chance !

Killjoy: Look!

[Kryzilya attacks in a frenzied rage]

CyborgVexter: Aaaugh!


Hawk1138: Oh S*** !

Killjoy: I warned you!

Rowan: I done it again!

Killjoy: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little ewok, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always--

Hawk1138: Oh, shut up!

Killjoy: --But do they listen to me?--

Hawk1138: Right!

Killjoy: -Oh, no--

KNIGHTS: Charge!

[squeak squeak ROAR]

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!

Killjoy: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.

Hawk1138: Right. How many did we lose?

EwokofDoom: Gawain...

dendei: Ector

Hawk1138: And Vex . That's five.

dendei: Three, sir.

Hawk1138: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that ewok's dangerous

Rowan: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

Hawk1138: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.

dendei: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

Hawk1138: Like what?

dendei: Well,.... we could flame it, call it a n00b....

EwokofDoom: Have we got blasters?

Hawk1138: No, Jedi's don't carry blasters, remember ?

EwokofDoom: We have the Holy Thermal Detonator.

Hawk1138: Yes, of course! The Holy Thermal Detonator of...of....of something! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Merick carries with him! Brother Merick! Bring up the Holy Thermal Detonator! [singing] How does it, uh... how does it work

EwokofDoom: I know not my liege.

Hawk1138: Consult the book of Canon

Merick: Canon, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.

BrentStargazer: "And so, Leia raised the thermal detonator up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lucas, bless this thy thermal detonator that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lucas did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"

Merrick: Skip a bit, Brent.

BrentStargazer: "And the Lucas spake, saying, 'First shalt thou press the Holy button. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Thermal Detonator towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"

Merick: Amen.

ALL: Amen.

Hawk1138: Right! One... two... five!

dendei: Three sir.

Hawk1138: Three!



Scene 22
Hawk1138: There!! Look!!

EwokofDoom: What does it say?

dendei: What language is that?

Hawk1138: Brother Merick, you're our scholar!

Merick: It's Aurebesh!

dendei: Of course! The writing in StarWars !

EwokofDoom: Course!

Hawk1138: What does it say?

Merick: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Ralph Koster. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Beta in the Castle of uuggggggh'.

Hawk1138: What?

Merick: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.

Udem: What is that?

Merick: He must have died while carving it.

EwokofDoom: Oh, come on!

Merick: Well, that's what it says.

Hawk1138: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!

Merick: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!

dendei: Perhaps he was dictating.

Hawk1138: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?

Merick: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.

EwokofDoom: Aauuggghhh.

Hawk1138: Aaauuuuuugggghhhhhh

Udem: You don't suppose he meant the server Aggggg ?

dendei Whats that ?

Udem: Some server over in the PvP area...

EwokofDoom: Isn't there a NPC named Aauuuves in Jabba's Palace ?

Hawk1138: No, that's Aives.

EwokofDoom: Oh, yes Aiiives.

SEVERAL: Aiiiives.

Udem: Oooohoohohooo!

EwokofDoom: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.

Udem: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.

EwokofDoom: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!

Udem: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!

Hawk1138: Ooooh!!

dendei: Oh S*** !


Merick: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh!

[Brother Merick gets eaten]

Hawk1138: Run away!

ALL: Run away! Run away!


NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Hawk and his Jedi Knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, tremendous lag interupted the server and Hawk and his knights find themselves safe. The Quest for the Holy Beta can continue.


Scene 23
Hawk1138: There it is! The Bridge of Death!

Rowan: Oh, great.

Hawk1138: Look!! There's Thunderheart from Scene 12!

Udem: What is he doing here?

Hawk1138: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--

dendei: Three questions

Hawk1138: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--

dendei: Three Questions

Hawk1138: Three questions may cross in safety.

Rowan: What if you get a question wrong?

Hawk1138: Then you are cast into the Gorge of the GSW Forum. Where you shall suffer for eternity.

Rowan: Oh, I won't go.

dendei: Who's going to answer the questions?

Hawk1138: Sir Rowan!

Rowan: Yes?

Hawk1138: Brave Sir Rowan, you go.

Rowan: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't EwokofDoom go?

EwokofDoom: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east--

Hawk1138: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions--

dendei: Three questions. Sheesh you n00b, can't you f'ing count ?

Hawk1138: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.

EwokofDoom: I understand, my liege.

Hawk1138: Good luck, brave Sir EwokofDoom. Mod be with you.

Thunderheart: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.

EwokofDoom: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.

Thunderheart: What is your name?

EwokofDoom: My name is Sir EwokofDoom

Thunderheart: What is your quest?

EwokofDoom: To seek the Holy Beta.

Thunderheart: What is your favorite color?

EwokofDoom: Blue.

Thunderheart: Right. Off you go.

EwokofDoom: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Rowan: That's easy!

Thunderheart: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.

Rowan: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.

Thunderheart: What is your name?

Rowan: Sir Robin of Corellia.

Thunderheart: What is your quest?

Rowan: To seek the Holy Beta.

Thunderheart: What is the capital of Corvis Minor ?

Rowan: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

[lands on the bottom]

Rowan: Oh, hello.

GSWn00b: Can I be a Jedi ?

Rowan: Nooooooooooo !

Thunderheart: Stop! What is your name?

dendei: Sir dendei of Corellia

Thunderheart: What is your quest?

dendei: I seek the Beta.

Thunderheart: What is your favorite color?

dendei: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!

Thunderheart: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?

Hawk1138: It is Hawk1138, leader of the Jedi Knights of Corellia.

Thunderheart: What is your quest?

Hawk1138: To seek the Holy Beta

Thunderheart: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen mynock ?

Hawk1138: What do you mean? A Dagobah or Yavin mynock ?

Thunderheart: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

Udem: How do know so much about mynocks?

Hawk1138: Well, you have to know these things when you're a PA leader, you know.


Scene 24

Hawk1138: EwokofDoom ! EwokofDoom ! EwokofDoom !
Udem: EwokofDoom ! EwokofDoom !

Hawk1138: EwokofDoom ! EwokofDoom !

Udem: EwokofDoom ! EwokofDoom !

[angels singing]

ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! Mod be praised! Almighty Mod, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- [twong baaaa] Oh S*** !

TheLoneRanger: .ello, daffy Corellian Jeeeedi and bombad Hawk-number, who has the brain of a womp-rat, you know! So, we Gungan fellows out-wit you a second time-a!

Hawk1138: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Jedi of Corellia, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Mod himself has guided us!

TheLoneRanger: How you humans say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us Gungan folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, ... you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.

Hawk1138: In the name of the Hand of Mod, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!

TheLoneRanger: No chance, Corellian bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!

Hawk1138: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of Mod and the glory of our-- [splat] Right! That settles it!

TheLoneRanger: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire sheep at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!

Hawk1138: Walk away. Just ignore them.

TheLoneRanger: And now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy Corellian Jeeeedi! Thpppt!

Hawk1138: We shall attack at once!

Udem: Yes, my liege!

Hawk1138: Stand by for attack!

[Jedi gather from out of nowhere]

Hawk1138: Gungan n00bs! Today the blood of many a valiant Jedi shall be avenged. In the name of Mod we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Beta returns to those whom the Hand of Mod has chosen. Charge!!!!

TROOPS: Charge!!!!!!!!!

[Stromtroopers arrive]

Nakyul's WIFE: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.

TK-421: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.

TrooperBob: Look sir, Droids !

Nakyul's WIFE: Get that one.

TrooperBob: Look sir, Droids !

TK-421: Put this man in the speeder.

TrooperBob: Look sir, Droids !

Udem: With whom?

TK-421: Which one?

TrooperBob: Oh-- this one. He's a droid too.

TK-421: Come on. Put him in the speeder.

TrooperBob: Get a blanket. This droid feels cold.

TK-421: We have no hospital.




TrooperBob: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!

TK-421: Run along! Run along!

TrooperBob: Hey, you droid. In the speeder. Now.

TK-421: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.

TrooperBob: Everything?


TK-421: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.



The End

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